Day 4 of the Alleluia Conference

I realized that I did not sum up Friday! Oh well, Sunday morning is better than never. I had a session on planning, panic and pacing. It was good thoughts from a man who spent many years in full-time church music service and how best to be prepared, how to involve others, and also, a bit about involving your family. That's something that I've really been wrestling with, now that Ella is getting to a point where she can go with me and listen and do other things while I practice or work. Trying to find that balance is the biggest challenge!

My final session was on composing and arranging, led by Joseph Martin. As with the similar session I went to led by Joel Raney, it was insightful, challenging, encouraging, and it helped me to realize that writing music isn't easy, but it's beneficial and necessary. So, I definitely have major challenges ahead of me.

This week, my series of questions to wrestle with and pray about are:
1. How do I involve more in the Music Ministry of King of Kings?

2. How do I share leadership responsibilities?

3. How do I make more time to practice, write music, plan and be prepared? What needs to be sacrificed for that to happen?


I know that these and many others will be a major focus in my thoughts and actions this week!

Day 3 of the Alleluia Conference

It seems like each day this week has had its' own theme. Day 1 was refreshment and challenge. Day 2 was realizing the things that I have not done well and need to focus in on improvement. Today, day 3 was a much more positive day. The theme? I am not alone. I can do this.

I spent the first session discussing with Robbie Seay (and a few others) about how best to pastor/minister to our teams. This was quite convicting based on how I haven't done that well with my Praise Team, but the more I was thinking about it, it's much deeper than that. But it is pointless to beat myself up over what I didn't do. The thoughts in my head now turn to how to make those big and small changes to do a better job of connecting, ministering to and caring for those in the Music Ministry at King of Kings.

After a music reading session and worship, I met up with two dear friends who I respect so greatly, Kim and David Angerman. It was good to chat with them, bounce ideas off of them, and be encouraged and blessed by them. I met them 2 years ago at the Alleluia Conference, and God has blessed me by having them in my life. After lunch, I was able to help them set up for David's presentation.

Another music reading session (I have done a LOT of singing this week!), I went to another Robbie Seay session. Another tremendous blessing in discussing the balance between musical excellence and authenticity, a definite buzzword in worship circles nowadays. It was reinforcement to what I tell my voice students, and what I need to tell every singer I work with.....it's great that you're musically, rhythmically accurate and precise, singing with wonderful tone and diction, but you have to be believable. Personalize the song!

Finally, I did something that challenged me. I went to a session on the organ. I was on scholarship for organ in college. Back when I was in 2nd grade, I went to a Paul Manz hymn sing, and it was when I decided I wanted to play the organ. But, over the years, I have lost that desire, excitement and enthusiasm for playing the organ. That wouldn't be too much of a problem, except for the reality that it is part of my job! So, I need to spend time rediscovering why I wanted to play the organ, why I have loved the organ for the majority of my life. Today helped immensely with that. We had a discussion about moving forward, how best to get congregations to support organ music, how to get younger people excited and interested in the organ. In all of this, the realization from this whole week hit me. And this is the way to summarize this week:

I am called to serve the church through music. I am expected to be the expert, yet not be a know-it-all. To do my best, I cannot do it all myself. I have to involve others.

When it comes to the organ, a big part of it has been my ongoing frustration with the instrument I have to play. So what? It's an instrument. It's better than no instrument. That's something I have to get over and deal with. The other aspect of where my struggle has been is that I have not put in the time to practice and better myself, as I should have been. I've made excuses, and I have the time to do it. I just have to do it!

Tonight is the opportunity to sit around a quiet house and get a few things thought through and put together, and get ready to head out after my morning sessions! I am ready to head home and start to figure out how to put all of this into action, and how to start incorporating others and their ideas, gifts and abilities in the music ministry. I have some ideas already that I am starting to put together and I am hopeful that there is a positive response!

Day 2 of Alleluia Conference

Day 2 continued where Day 1 ended. I started with a fantastic session on "power". Not only talking about the power intrinsic in music, but interpersonal power, which is not always a bad thing. The example was shared that by following traffic laws, we give power to those laws and those who enforce the laws. Or, when the alarm goes off, we give it power by getting out of bed! This caused me to really spend time thinking and praying about me and how I share that power and responsibility I have been entrusted with at King of Kings. Do I? What does that look like? What should that look like?

 A Christmas music reading session, which was alright, then it was time for worship. It was a fascinating service, premised on the idea that, while the Israelites were captives in Babylon, yet worshipped God, we Christians today are doing things that are very countercultural, and are sometimes against what is common wisdom of the world. We had an opportunity to speak different Psalms and other laments all at the same time. It was this amazing sound!

 Then it was time for lunch. I was blessed to have the opportunity to have lunch with composers. Joseph Martin, Ruth Elaine Schram, Joel Raney and Rollo Dillworth, along with about 20 other conference participants. A fantastic opportunity for interaction. And some excellent insights were shared. After lunch was time for another music reading session, and I got to sit with my good friends David and Kim Angerman, along with Joshua Chai, the director of choral activities at Concordia, Austin. A row of Lutherans in the midst of Baptists! It was wonderful! David directed his composition, which I will be purchasing for my Chancel Choir to sing for Reformation.

 I had another opportunity to be encouraged and challenged with another seminar on the fact that, as a worship leader/musician, everything I do, verbally and non-verbally matters. I'm not usually "in front", but in directing and other interactions with people, what I say, and just as importantly, maybe even more, what I don't say does make a difference.

 Finally, I went to a session on composing and arranging by Joel Raney, editor of Hope Publishing. I received some great insights, and even more encouragement to continue to compose and arrange music. I am feeling very much pulled toward this direction, and the decision that I was led to very recently to not teach a part-time junior high choir or instrumental group or whatever it would be definitely plays a major role in that, which I felt very affirmed in!

 All in all, another wonderful, challenging, and thought-provoking day. I know that tomorrow will bring much, much more. And of course, the challenge is not only how to process and synthesize it to share with others, but to incorporate it and implement it in my life and ministry.

Day 1 of Alleluia Conference

4 years ago, I decided to go to this conference that Baylor hosts called the Alleluia Conference. I chose it, because I could save my congregation a little money and stay with my parents. Day 1 of 4 years ago, as all the day 1s of each conference, started with worship. Within a few organ notes, I was in tears. I didn't realize how dry I was emotionally, spiritually, musically, until I got there. Every year that I have gone has been a spiritual, emotional and musical renewal for me.

Today was no different. Once again, God had a point that He has been pounding in my head. Do what you're supposed to do. Work hard, put in the time and effort. Don't skimp on doing your best job, as you have in the past. But.....take time to REST. The whole theme of the opening worship was......rest. My question that I want to discuss with folks this week, and try to obtain a good game plan on how to balance my life, family, ministry.....and what does God lead me to starting out? REST. YES!!! That is what I need. I have been running exhausted for the past 6 weeks or so. It's been a struggle to do my daily tasks. Why???? Easy answer. What time have I taken since April to rest? April 12th-14th was the last time I took time away from church, and focused on my family. Why? Because it was Ella's birthday and we went camping.

Then, a music reading session. One of the best things about getting church musicians together is the singing.....and one of the things that this conference does so well is provide opportunities to get hands on music. Then a session that I went to talking about the worship "leader" (musician, director of music, whatever the title) as curator or explorer. What a thought! Involving others.....guess what? ANOTHER point that God has been hammering into my head over the past few weeks. I have been trying to lead all by myself! Guess how far that gets you......yeah, not too far. And I've brought frustration upon myself by my own doing! So, how do I fix it? Simple! Let others be part of the process! Once again, reinforcement to the point! Then in the same session, the discussion came up to where my heart has been led for the past few years. How does the church/church music ministry reach out to those outside the church? YES, I think.....getting excited for some ideas.......answer? "I don't have the answers." Good!!! Me either!!! But I want to figure them out! And guess how best to do that? INVOLVE OTHER PEOPLE!!! Amazing!

Final learning session is about instrumental music. I'm so amazingly blessed to have the majority of the instrumentalists at my church (which is a whole bunch) be in high school and younger! What a great opportunity to encourage them!! But then.....the light bulb goes off. I haven't really been setting them up for success as much as I should! Have I given them enough lead time to prepare? Have I worked with them enough? Have I just thrown them out there by themselves? Wouldn't it be better to have duets, trios, quartets and other ensembles? The best news is that I have the musicians to do this.....so why don't I? Add another thing to the to-do list! But this is something I am extremely excited about, as I truly believe this can be a unique, signature aspect of the Music Ministry of King of Kings!

The day ended with an amazing music reading session. It's the reading session I always get the most excited about. Anthems with orchestration. Brass, strings, oboes, bassoons, percussion, you name it, it was pretty much there. OK, no harmonicas. I'll get to writing a piece. But wow.....words cannot describe the joy in my heart!

Tomorrow starts at 8 AM, so I have to get up bright and early to get my walk in! I am so thankful for this conference, and I ask you to please keep me in prayer as God shows me more and more insights, and I pray that I am able to decipher them and put them into practical use to best serve King of Kings, and be the best musician, husband, father and person that I can be!

I get it!!!

This post is somewhat of an addendum to my previous post. I have had some events happen that have turned my brain upside down, things that I know I need to do, but haven't.

Tonight, I had the opportunity to watch amazing and talented friends of mine play some unbelievable music. They are extraordinarily talented, yet, they have worked their tails off to better that talent. A case in point. Back when I first met my friend, Ryan Proudfoot, who sang tonight, it was October of 2012. Ryan and his producer, my other friend, Matt Adler, were working on this amazing song, which ended up being "Treasure" the first song on the album. It blew me away, and I couldn't get it out of my head. But that was October. The album released in June. Between those two points, they worked and worked and worked, and crafted the songs, so they were the best they could be.

 What does that have to do with me? Everything. One thing is holding me back. It's not lack of talent. It's not lack of resources.

What is holding me back is me.

That's hard to see in actual type. But it's true. I was reminded by my pastor in a conversation this week, as I was sharing how it is a great joy to be able to encourage people and see them be successful, he said, "yes, but you also have the opportunity to model for people". And it's been clicking ever since. I've put much more of a focus on encouraging people, and not making the time for myself, to challenge myself, to push myself to be better. I've only settled for "good enough". I've made excuses, justified, but in the end, I've neglected my abilities. But here's the thing. I have two daughters, and one, my 4 year old, Ella, loves music. I have a piano sitting in my living room. It was my grandparents. I don't play it like I should. I have a bass I am borrowing from a friend so I can learn to play. Have I touched it? No. A couple of years ago, I spent a couple of hundred dollars on a trumpet. Do I play it? Once in a while. I've not challenged myself to model for my daughters the love of music I have. Which leads me to a greater and deeper question. Do I love music? My gut answer is "of course". But does that joy permeate me, so that it is evident and it is my passion and focus? Or is it just something else I do? That's another post.

 As I was thinking about all of this, I'm going to Baylor next week for their annual Alleluia conference. The thought went through my head, "why start thinking about this when I can't actually can't do anything about it the next week?" But I can. I can use that time to be encouraged, make a plan and a schedule. I was challenged by what Jimmy Needham said at the concert tonight. "We get caught up in the law, the things we should do and don't do". I can't change the lack of attention I've placed in my life that has happened in the past. I can change the present and the future. And that's what I am trying to figure out what to do.

A week of punching fear in the face

This week has been a good one. I have been a part of Jon Acuff's "Start Experiment" on Facebook, based on his book "Start". He has put groups together and is giving daily tasks and the groups encourage each other. Yesterday was powerful. Writing the fears that hold me back on paper.

Two stood out to me. Fear of putting my job/ministry ahead of my family and fear of becoming disciplined. The first is obvious for anyone in church work. As the child of a church worker, I should know what to do, but I don't manage my time well and that leads to my family suffering. Which leads into the second one. I am an odd musician where I have only made it as far as I have based on talent and minimal practice. I have spent a long time in many areas of my life being undisciplined and it shows. I am extremely overweight, lazy, and in pretty much everything, do just enough to get by. The good news? I can change that today. The challenge? Those voices in my head reminding me that I have spent so long this way that it would be impossible to change. But I answer those fears and questions with one question. What would happen if I actually did become disciplined? Would I lose weight? Would I feel better? Would I have stronger relationships? Would I be a better musician? WOULD I BE A BETTER ME? Absolutely! The change will not be easy, in fact, it will be extremely hard work. I don't know if I'm ready for it, but I know I can't continue down this road of mediocrity, "good enough" or whatever I try to justify myself with. I hang on to the words of my Grandmother. "Good, better, best. Never let it rest. Until the good is better and the better is best."

The public debut of new songs

One of the biggest things that fear has crippled me from is writing songs. I've written pieces for handbells, arranged a few things here and there for choirs, and written organ music. Fear came in through a lot of different voices in my head. The main voice came in writing lyrics. I don't feel confident in doing that. So, the 3 songs that I wrote that I sang last night, I took the words to "Holy, Holy, Holy" and wrote a new melody, and a little chorus to go with it. The second, I took 1 Corinthians 13 and made a few alterations. The last song was original. The chorus started off with an idea my 4 year old was singing, and I developed it around God's promises to us.

 So, I get up in front of the people gathered, most of them I know, introduce myself, explain my 3 songs and sing them. I figured people would politely applaud, and they did. What I didn't expect that as the songs went on......people SANG ALONG! And it was mostly the right notes! Now, I've sung in front of people plenty of times in my life. I've performed in a lot of settings, and all bringing some variety of nervousness. Last night was wracked with nervousness, fear and anxiety. Why? I made myself vulnerable. I put 3 songs that were only heard by my wife out there for public consumption. That's SCARY!

 Now what? I survived. I rejoice in that. Am I going to be Chris Tomlin and focus on that? Probably not. I do intend and want to keep writing organ music, piano music, choral music, handbell music, instrumental music and songs. This was a huge hurdle that I needed to do and survive. I did, and I thank God for it.

 One of the things that I was reminded of is my role in all of this. Growing up, I always wanted to be the rock star. As an organist, I always wanted to play as loud and bombastic as possible. All about me. Somewhere along the way, I realized that it wasn't about me. I was called to encourage people, and that's what I have tried to do. I've fallen miserably short in lots of ways, I've neglected my own musicianship, and I haven't done enough. But, when my friend Brandon shared in front of the same audience that my encouragement was the reason that he went back to church and because of my prodding, he got back into music ministry, and ended up recording his CD, I was fighting back tears. See, that's why I do what I do. Sure, I love writing music, and I love singing songs, and worshipping. But, to me, the most important thing about what I do, the thing that I love the most about what I do, is seeing OTHERS succeed, not me. While at times I feel frustrated that I'm not doing what I think I should be doing, or I'm having to do a few extra things to pay the bills, I have to change my attitude. It's added opportunities to encourage others. I lose sight of this all too often, and it is my daily prayer that I serve God and others with all of my heart, soul, mind, strength and ability.

I did it!!!!

One of the books I have read recently that has changed my life, and really brought a paradigm shift, or more of a focus to my life is "Start" by Jon Acuff. In the book, he talks about "punching fear in the face". I am a "professional" musician and as a musician, there are many fears and voices that pop up in our heads. "You didn't practice enough." "That's not good enough." "Why are you even trying to do THAT?" "Who do you think you are?" And I could keep going with my inner monologue. It's pretty brutal. Some of it based in reality that I can control, some of it based in some fantasy world where someone, somewhere, may or may not be offended by my existence, my musical choices, my musical aptitude, and so on. While I have only come across one person recently that has criticized pretty much everything I say and do, that's it. It's not this mob out with pitchforks and torches. But yet, that monologue exists inside of me.

As a musician, I have had the desire to compose. I remember composing a couple of songs specifically for my church Praise Team, and in a discussion with one member about it, the comment was made, "we just didn't really like it." So I stopped writing for them. I heard that one comment and quit! It may have been a good song, it may have been awful. With a bit more massaging, or time, or more practice on my part, it could have been better. But I quit. Those negative voices echoed through my head. But, I've been writing for handbells, a bit for choirs, once in a while for organ, and some worship songs. I've shared the handbell compositions, the organ compositions, and the choral compositions, but not the worship songs, based on that one comment. Reading Jon's book, I knew what I needed to do.

 This coming Sunday, my friend Brandon is having a concert releasing an EP he recorded. He asked me to play keyboard with him, and I decided I would do 3 songs as an opener for him. I picked 3 songs that I've written and I am going to sing them. But I did more than that. I recorded the 3 songs on my Ipad, and uploaded them to Noisetrade.com. Check them out at www.noisetrade.com/craigharmann. In the 14 hours it has been up, there has been a grand total one 1 download. 1 download, not from friends or family, but a guy in the UK, and he even asked me about the words to the songs! That's really cool! But, had I not put myself out there, it wouldn't have happened. Are these songs better than Chris Tomlin's? More than likely not. Will they get me fame and fortune? More than likely not. But, will they give me opportunity for feedback and the opportunity to better myself in writing songs, and push me to do more? Absolutely. Has it helped me punch fear in the face and to quiet those inner voices telling me I can't do it and that I'm incompetent and am not good enough? Without a doubt!

SERIOUSLY?

"We love God & he is the same God." –NY Catholic Cardinal Timothy Dolan at mosque meeting w/ Muslim & other faith leaders

This was tweeted by Pastor Mark Driscoll. This is saddening if it's true. There is no way that Christians and Muslims believe in the same God. The God I believe in, and the God that Christians believe in, the one true God, is forgiving, loving and doesn't expect us to earn our way to salvation. That already happened through the cross and empty tomb. But, because we now live in a world where truth is relative and everyone's beliefs are the same, something like this comes out. I could go into much greater detail about the differences between Christianity and Islam (the Muslim faith), but I won't. They're incongruent with each other. It is sad that one of the Cardinals of one of the largest church bodies in the world says something like this. It is wrong. Plain and simple. It is false and misleading.

It's all about relationships

Last night, I had a very contentious and emotional meeting with a group in my ministry. I won't share all of the details because that's really irrelevant, but basically, I had not spent the time building relationships as I should, and did not walk with humility and expected results that were impossible when those two things occur. In my reflection last night and this morning, I am reminded about how much life is about relationships. God did not create us to be alone.

But here's the challenge. Relationships are messy. We don't always get our way. We have to compromise. Relationships, like all things in life, take work. For much of my life, I wanted relationships so desperately that I tried to put too much work into them, and pushed people away. The result? I didn't have many relationships. Even now, looking at many relationships, outside of my family, most of the relationships I have are very surface level, and not deep and filling relationships. I don't know why this is the case, but I know that is something that I am missing in my life. I've had people come and go in my life that I have grown in deep relationships with, but the challenge is that they've come and gone.

Relationships, even on a surface level, can be good. When we spend just a little bit of time investing in those relationships, good things can happen. That's what I left my meeting last night with. The understanding that I will be investing time into this group, and they will invest time in me. No, the meeting last night doesn't make everything perfect, but it's a start in the right direction. Time and God's leadership will determine the course in the future.

The amazingness of God!

If I've ever wondered what God is doing, and why He is doing it, the last 2 weeks of life have given me insight. Two weeks ago, we had our Vacation Bible School. We averaged about 50 kids. Our mission project for the week was $300 to a great ministry my friend's brother has undertaken called Crossing Cambodia. They feed and teach street kids in Cambodia and to feed them, it's $5 a day. So, obviously, in doing the math, our goal was 60 days. A very lofty goal, but not unattainable. Day 1, we had about $12, Day 2, we were up to about $26, and then we hit Day 3. Literal buckets of change came in and then an offer to match everything up to $300. It was on! We blew through the $300 by our last day, leading up to our final program. In fact, it was about $350 before the final program. After the final program....the final total, before the matching money was (drum roll.....) $565 and change!!! Adding in the $300 match, this was unbelievable!! Nearly TRIPLE the goal! Our theme for VBS was "Tell it On the Mountain" and we most definitely did that!!

When you think you can't come down from that high, more comes. This past week was my church body's national youth gathering, here in bright, beautiful, wonderful San Antonio. I am a member of the LCMS. That means, Lutheran Church-Missouri Synod. We adhere not only to the Bible, but to the writings of Martin Luther as the explanation of Scripture. No, not Martin Luther King Jr.....MLK was named for our guy. He lived in the 1400's-1500's. Well, there were 25,000 youth and their leaders who descended upon San Antonio. Yes, you read that right. 25 THOUSAND. That's a lot of folks! There were a couple of really awesome things that happened. First, at certain hotels housing events, there is "Late Night Prayer and Praise". Up until about 3 months ago, my church, where I am Music Director, did not have a youth band. A group decided to put one together to audition. And they were selected! That meant that Monday, Tuesday and Wednesday of the gathering, they lead about 20-25 minutes of songs, prayer and Scripture. It was amazing. These folks had never, up until Monday night, led any group or been in front of people as a group. So, that was a little bit of a tightrope walk! But they were awesome, as I expected! But, throughout the week, there were groups that came to the church to work on projects. We had a bunch for them to do. Our biggest one, was taking out our previous playground equipment for our childcare, and putting in new, super awesome and cool playground equipment. The kids that came didn't complain, worked extremely hard for the 2 or so hours that they were there, and got a bunch done. But that was just the prep work. Then came Friday, yesterday and today of putting the new equipment up, putting in mulch, and getting it ready to be played on tomorrow! We had a large, large group of people all 3 days, pitching in, doing whatever they could to get the job done! Talk about being the hands and feet of Christ! It was amazing to see! The property looks totally different, with a butterfly garden in front of the childcare, fixed up picnic tables, the new playground. It's amazing! To me, the best part of it all was that it was all ages, male and female, working together to get the project completed. That's how it should be for us, the body of Christ. One unit, functioning together to change lives and change the world.

Speaking of changed lives, one thing recently, which I posted about a while back, was that I read Jon Acuff's book "Start". Amazing book. Well, I like Jon's page on Facebook, and a couple of weeks ago, I saw a post about a "super secret mission" and if interested, to email. I thought this could be interesting, so I did. I am now a part of a super secret club of about 1700 folks who responded and I guess we're at the mercy of Jon and what he asks us to do. But, it's pretty much made up of folks who have read "Start". The thing that caught me most about the book is not being average. Throughout my life, I have been 100% successful at being average. I know that I can be and do better. But Jon hit the nail on the head in regard to why I haven't pushed for more. Fear. Fear of failure, fear of criticism, fear of unknown, fear of being pushed beyond my comfort zone, just plain old fear. I am hoping that this group brings mutual encouragement to push through that fear. One of the things that I'm doing to push through that fear comes in one week. My friend Brandon has put together a CD and he's putting on a concert at my church next Sunday night. I'm his opening act. I'm doing 3 songs that I wrote. Well....2 and a half. Well.....1 where I did all the work, 1 where I had inspiration from my 4 year old, and 1 where I wrote music to already existing words. These 3 songs will have their public debut on Sunday. It's scary, but I am pleased with how these have turned out, and I think they will be well received. But, on top of that, if all goes well, either this week or next, I want to get a good recording of the 3 songs, so I can share them on Noisetrade.com. Why? Because it's another opportunity to push past fear. It's an opportunity to share the songs with a greater audience and see what the response is. Do I expect to be Chris Tomlin? Nah. That's not me. I do feel called to write songs for all types of settings (choir, contemporary worship, handbells, instruments, so on and so forth) and I know that the only way I improve is to put myself out there. To step out onto that ledge and see what happens. I'm excited, nervous, scared and plan old petrified. But I know that if this is what God wants me to do, there will be something that comes out of it. Lots of work, lots of challenges, but that is how improvement happens. That is how average becomes awesome. I'll have some challenges and bumps along the way, but I want to be the most awesome husband, dad, son, friend, musician, Music Director, whatever other hat I wear, that I can!