An amazing week!

 This week, I took a huge step with my music writing. And I didn't even write any music. I had this realization on Wednesday that, hey, I have a website and a Facebook page, but what really is the point of doing anything with them if I'm getting no to minimal traffic each week? So I put myself out there.

 I shared a post about what I'm doing in a post on my Facebook page, and then shared it in a Facebook handbell group that I'm in, as well as a group of amazing people put together by Jon Acuff in his Start experiment.

 And then amazing hit.

 THIRTY-TWO visitors to my website on Wednesday alone.

 On Wednesday morning, I had 55 likes of my Facebook page. By the end of Wednesday, I was up to 84 likes.

But it didn't stop there.

I had a few more visitors to my website yesterday, and 9 more likes on Facebook.

So, this morning, I started with 93 likes on Facebook. So, I put it out there to get to 100. Yeah, I'm now at 108.

In all of this, I am humbled. I am honored. I am surprised.

But wait.....there's more. In all of this putting myself out there, I had a girl I went to high school with ask me about organ arrangements of contemporary music. And the brain started spinning. There's a few published by one publisher, but they're pretty much the greatest hits of the 80's and early 90's. Maybe there's a market for this....so I started thinking through some ideas. I love organ music and I love contemporary music. I know I'm very, very, very odd in this regard. So, maybe that's an opportunity!

Finally, this morning, I had coffee with an awesome friend, Matt Adler (download his new EP "The Sound". It's amazing), and we had a great chat. He was so encouraging to me, and is a totally awesome friend, and I appreciate him.

So where does all of this go? I have no clue. I keep putting myself out there, ask for input, ask for responses, and write, write, write. Where it goes, only God knows and only God will lead. I'm just amazed by the journey.

Let's party!

 Let me first say, I enjoy being a Lutheran. I believe that Martin Luther focused on pulling out the truths of Scripture that the Catholic church was missing at the time. Being focused on faith alone, Scripture alone and grace alone, we are saved. But one thing that I've always struggled with in being a Lutheran is that one thing is very much missing in our gatherings at times, and our worship. Emotion.

 Today, Jon Acuff, a writer who I admire and respect, wrote this blog on cnn.com. http://religion.blogs.cnn.com/2013/08/24/should-christianity-be-so-boring/ In summary, he's talking about the story of the Prodigal Son and how God throws a party for a son who wishes him dead. This parable always gets me. The father is God, and the son is me. Through my sins, I pretty much say to God, "I don't want you around". Yet, He's always there, quick to love, quick to forgive, quick to rejoice when I return home.

 But yet, I can also be that older son that says, "Hey dad, I did all that you wanted me to. Where's my party?" He didn't get it. And many times, I don't either. I'd rather see us in the church be like the father, quick to throw a party when someone repents, as opposed to questioning their motivations, whether they're truly repentant of THAT sin, or being judgmental overall. God accepts us for who we are when we repent. He doesn't put conditions on it. We as His visible body here on earth need to be showing that more often.

 Wouldn't it be cool, as Jon said in his blog, to hear an Atheist say, "I don't believe in God, but His people really know how to party, as well as love and care for others"? I think that would be amazing. I hope and pray we have this mindset.

Evaluations....

 Evaluations can be good, insightful, challenging, reflective, whatever word you want to use. I've had evaluations that have led to some soul searching, I've had evaluations that felt more like unnecessary "attaboys" when I knew deep down that I wasn't giving my best, or didn't deserve the kudos. I've had evaluations where I didn't feel evaluated.

 Last night, I was given a task by the chair of our board of elders (basically, the board that supervises me). They want to do an evaluation of me and my pastor at their meeting on September 3rd. OK, I can do that. But, here's the twist. I was asked to write the questions for the evaluation. Cool! Well....maybe not. It wasn't as easy as I thought it would be when I sat down this morning to write them. I have spent a good period of time over the summer in personal reflection and evaluation over the music ministry I am tasked to lead, things that have gone well and not so well. I am very blessed to serve at a congregation of 400 members with a very vibrant and thriving music ministry.

Here's my questions
1. On a scale of 1-10, how would you rate the musicianship of the Music Director
2. On a scale of 1-10, how would you rate the desire of the Music Director to improve on musical skills, and do you see improvement.
3. How has the Music Director shared the church's vision?
4. What is/are the Music Director's biggest strength(s)
5. What is/are the Music Director's biggest weakness(es)?
6. How can the Music Director better communicate to the board of elders as well as the congregation?
7. Do you feel that the Music Director is approachable and will listen to suggestions/critique?
8. What area should the Music Director focus on more for the upcoming year?
9. What area should the Music Director focus on less for the upcoming year?
10. Do you see congregational support and encouragement for the Music Director? If so, cite examples of how this is the case. If not, what steps could the Music Director and board of elders take to increase that support and encouragement?


There are specific reasons for these questions.

1 and 2 tie together. I know that I have not committed as fully to my musicianship as I should. I can make excuses, rationalize and explain, but the facts are the facts. I have not bettered my personal skills as a director, pianist, organist, vocalists.....not one bit. I've accepted "good enough". It will be interesting to hear feedback from others on this.

For #3, I feel that I have been encouraging the music ministry to focus on outreach (part of our mission statement), but it has been met with some struggles, not only from participants in music ministry, but also from the congregation. Part of it relates to my attitude and communication of it, but it is a radical concept. Again, feedback will be beneficial.

#4 and #5 are fairly obvious. I think I know what my strengths and weaknesses are, but getting a different opinion will be beneficial.

#6 is one I would say is a weakness, but I'm sure most everyone struggles with this. How to communicate clearly and effectively is always a challenge.

#7 is something that has come up in the past. Part of it has been my attitude and approach, and I have tried to take steps to do things differently, but when it comes to worship, one of the struggles is that you cannot please everyone, no matter how hard you try. Feedback will be interesting.

#8 and #9 will also be good for feedback. Not quite sure what I will receive, but I am looking forward to hearing it.

#10 has been a challenge for me. Do I feel supported and encouraged? Yes and no. Obviously, negative and critical comments and feedback does not lead to feeling supported and encouraged. For the most part, I do feel like that congregation supports me, but it will be interesting to get feedback.


Overall, it was a positive process, and I prayerfully await what I will receive in feedback.

Routine one week in...

 Well, if you look, the last post was 8 days ago. It was about a new attempt at a routine. Looking over the past week, routine in my life seems to be one of the most unroutine things possible. But in trying to be more disciplined, at least work-wise, I feel like I have been immensely productive. I feel like I am the most prepared and planned 3 weeks before rehearsal than I have ever been. I still have work to do, but it's coming together.

 Physically, I'm not as routine as I would like to be. Wanting to get up at 5:30 and walk each morning is the goal.....hasn't been achieved once. But, I am making decent choices with food, and have lost 2 pounds so far.

 Musically, I'm making the time to practice. I've spent time over the past week working on arrangements of hymns for instrumentalists in worship for September and October. On that front, I've been quite productive. I've got a bunch more things on the list to be knocking out, and will start to plug away on them very soon.

 Overall, in spending so much of my life making excuses for being mediocre at best, I know it's going to be a while to rebuild and retrain myself to make good habits. Whether it's overall motivation, physical, practicing, or any other thing in my life that I need to make better habits on, when I want to cut corners, be lazy, I stop and think about my wife, my 2 girls, and most importantly, God. I've wasted the time, talents and abilities He's given me, so I need to be making the best of today as I can. I can't change the past. I can only learn from it.

Routine

 Routine is something we as humans desire and detest. We love routine and habit, and more often than not, to be successful, we have to have to be diligent in our routines. But yet, we want to break out of those routines, because those routines become stale and boring.

 In my world as a church musician, that routine is typically broken over the summer. Rehearsals take a break, the schedule gets a little more flexible and free. It's just the right amount of time to breathe in and rest a bit from that routine. The last 4 weeks for me were very much not routine. 4 weeks ago, I focused on getting a plan in place for the fall, so that I knew exactly what I was looking for at my conference the following week. The following week, my conference at Baylor, two weeks ago, trying to catch up and get some things done, all while having a massively frustrating and annoying sinus headache and congestion most of the week, and last week, my vacation of being a daddy and spending time with my daughters.

 But today is different. we're starting to ease back into routine. My girls start childcare today, Wednesday and Friday, while my wife works part-time on those same days. This is a new, exciting and scary reality for us. It will be an adjustment for us all, but once we get in that routine, things will fall into place.

 One of the things I have been spending time reviewing and anticipating over the past 2 weeks, especially with the whirlwind of changes knowing what our new reality would be, is looking at things I need to do to be the best husband, father, and church musician I can be. Throughout my nearly 36 years of existence on this planet, one thing I have been able to do quite well at is talk. But, one of the things I don't do well is follow through. Something seems different this time, though. It could be failing repeatedly, and actually deciding that THIS is the time I need to change, for myself, my wife, my daughters and the congregation I serve. Or, I could be fooling myself. I choose to think it's the former not the latter.

 So what am I going to attempt to do differently?

1. When I am home, no work, no IPad, no laptop. This means, no checking email, Facebook, Twitter, nothing. I have fallen very short in the practice of being there. And I see the adverse effects on me as well as my family. Whether that is picking up, doing things around the house, or being the "daddy pillow" my girls love to snuggle up with, this is imperative to change.
2. Exercise and make good food choices. I am 6 feet tall and weigh 278 pounds. There really needs to be nothing more said. I need to make the habit of early morning walking and making good, healthy choices throughout the day. Actually, routine helps in this. 
3. Follow through. This seems very vague, but I am great at marking off time on my calendar, then not following through. The result is the things are done halfway, whether that's practice, planning, or pretty much everything else. 

These are 3 really big and challenging things to do. How do I do it? Day by day. Little steps. Grace if I mess up. But diligence and resolve to start again. Prayer and encouragement from friends and family. I know that I can be and should be much more than I have been in the past. But, the past is the past. I HAVE learned from the mistakes of the past, and want to be a better husband, father, music instructor, church musician, and composer. I am praying that God gives me the strength and the desire to do these things and do them well because, on my own, I've failed miserably. 

God's plan vs. our plan

 A few months ago, had you asked me what my life and schedule would look like in August, I would probably have responded, "exhausting". Now that it's here, it's a different story. When I looked at the calendar in May, I could not have foreseen the changes that would come in life. I did not foresee that the conferences I originally planned to go to this summer to make me a better classroom teacher, would fall through. I did not foresee that there would be less interest than I expected in a Music Camp, and connected with a few other things that took up my time, it didn't happen. I did not foresee that for many reasons, I would not be doing any classroom teaching. Finally, I did not foresee the events that led up to us changing preschools for our 4 year old, Ella, nor having both daughters in childcare, nor my wife being a part-time office assistant at our church's childcare. But God did.

 Isn't that amazing? In the midst of the chaos and tumult, God is there, seeing something bigger than we ever could. Being a dad has given me a slight glimpse into this interplay. There have been times when Ella, who for whatever reason, is overtired, but wants to stay up, is told no, it's time for bed. Tears, meltdown and 4 year old girl drama ensue. Now, I could explain to her the reasons why she needs to go to sleep, but she won't understand. So, she is told to go to sleep, the meltdown, drama and tears ensue, and sleep inevitably happens. God could explain to us why things are going on, but we wouldn't understand. I've often found myself asking, 'God, why are you doing this?", almost expecting an answer. Instead, I know that I should be saying, "God, I trust Your will, not mine."

 This week begins a new chapter in the life of my family. There's lots of anticipation, lots of praying on my part. This week starts our new "normal". I'll be in my regular schedule of duties, the girls will be in childcare Monday, Wednesday and Friday, and we'll see how all of the puzzle pieces fit. I know that in the midst of the new kids and teachers my girls will be introduced to, there will be challenges. But, my prayer for this week is: "God, I trust Your will, not mine." It is my prayer for them, for me, and others around me.

Thoughts on vacation

 It's been an interesting week with forcing myself to not think about or do work relating to my full-time job this week. It's also been interesting spending a majority of time with my girls. I love them to death, but it's a reminder why I work! And it's also a positive reminder why we made the right choice in sending both to childcare starting next week. But, that concept of rest.....why is it so hard to do? I've spent some time thinking about that this week. Why do we (or me in particular) struggle with resting? For me, I think it's because of the busyness of life based in a whole lot of different things. When I was single, I wasn't as busy, or so it seemed. When I got married, it was a different kind of busy. When we had one child, it was a completely different busy. And when the second child came along, even different busy. But how to make time to rest? It takes intentionality. It takes understanding that it may not look exactly like you want it to. But for each person, taking the time to rest is imperative.

 The other interesting thing happened last night. In a conversation with my mother as my dad prepared for a heart cath procedure today, she made a comment of not being ready for him to be gone. Instinctively, my response was "well, we're only guaranteed the breath that we have. We may not be guaranteed tomorrow or the next day". This has been on my mind a bunch today. If I knew today was my last day on earth, how would I live? Would it be different? How so? And the reality is, today could be my last day on earth. No, I don't know something you don't. But God does. And He's the only one who knows if today is your last day, my last day, or anyone's last day on earth. And I'm OK with that. Of course, I would be sad to leave my wife, my two beautiful daughters, family and friends. But, I'm not living my life for this world. This isn't the end. If today is my last day, I get to be in the presence of God. I get to see my grandparents, my brother, and other family members who have gone on before me. But, if I wake up in the morning, what am I going to do differently than today? How much more grace can I show to others? How much more love can I give? How much more forgiving can I be? How much more patient can I be? All these thoughts floating through my head. I know I won't have all of the answers, but I will be continuing to wrestle with these questions.

Words

"Words can build you up
Words can break you down
Start a fire in your heart or Put it out"

These are lyrics to a song that has really touched me lately. The song is called "Words" by the band Hawk Nelson. As a vocalist, I was taught quite early on that words have meaning. It's also something I try to impress on every vocalist I work with and encourage. But outside of songs, words have plenty of meaning. It's not only what we say, but how we say it. I know that intentionally and unintentionally, I have caused harm and hurt with my words. And I have been caused harm by plenty of people, intentionally and unintentionally by their words. As a human being, it is easy to be sensitive to those hurtful words, replay them over and over and over again and create that negative self-talk and doubt.

A few months ago, even though money was tight, I told my wife that I needed to buy this book. The book was titled "Start" by Jon Acuff. I read his blog "Stuff Christians Like" and it's pretty funny. I had heard about his book "Quitter" and it sounded pretty good. But this book.....there was something different. I think it was the tagline "Punch fear in the face, go from average to awesome and do work that matters" that caught me. You see, I had let those words cripple me with doubt and fear. I had fallen into the trap of settling for average or "good enough", and I questioned if what I was doing mattered. This book changed my life and my outlook, primarily with this idea of negative self-talk and doubt.

I've felt this pull to write music. I'm a musician. It's what many of us like to do. I know the basics of music, music theory, music composition, and more. But putting all of that together to make something beautiful is not always easy. So I quickly learned. But, I forgot the one important lesson to anything in life. The more you do something, the better, more comfortable and more confident you get. But I didn't do that as much as I should. After reading "Start", I decided that I would record on my IPad one song I wrote over a year ago, one song inspired by words my 4 year old was singing, and one song that was in my head, and upload them to www.noisetrade.com/harmannymusic. You can go and download it if you want. So far, in about a month, I've had 7 downloads. Not great, but that's 7 more than 0. But here's the kicker. Tonight, I received a tweet that shared a link to a review of 20 albums downloaded from noisetrade. One of them was mine! The comments were "

good worship themed messages.. piano backed.. not very high quality.. but some pretty good lyrics that are lifting of God". I know full well that they were not high quality in recording, as I did it on my IPad. But that wasn't the point. The point was to put them out there and get a response from folks. And I am thankful for this!

Does that mean that I've made it? Absolutely not. But hearing positive feedback encourages me and challenges me to do more and try to do better. And I am grateful for that. I know that I don't share those encouraging words with others as much as I should, but this is a good reminder to me that I should be doing much more encouraging than I have in the past.

What a crazy week!

Wow, to sum it up, God's timing is amazing!! This week was crazy, because I was fighting congestion and a cough all week. On top of that, my oldest was back to running a fever, and diagnosed on Tuesday with a mild ear infection and strep throat. So it was a week of physical downness in my house.

But what amazing things happened ministry-wise! On Monday, I shared with my Praise Team the idea encouraged to me by others to get together and eat. So, on the first Sunday of each month, for anyone on the team who is able, we're meeting for lunch right after church. On Tuesday, I decided to follow up with the Salvation Army with the idea of having my handbell group play at a kettle in winter. This is not my idea, I am borrowing it from my Handbell Musicians of America magazine from last December. But the response I got was fantastic! They're excited and want to find more ways to get churches and more specifically, musical groups involved with their outreach at Christmastime! Then, I heard back from Ci-Ci's pizza about a fundraising opportunity that we can have there. My idea was to have some musicians from our music ministry come and share music while people eat! The manager said that many groups have done that, and it's been successful! Finally, I got a flyer from Sea World San Antonio about the opportunity at Christmastime to have 30 minutes on stage sharing music at their Christmas events. There's lots of great opportunities on the horizon!

Which leads to where I'm at right now. I feel like a corner has been turned and things are moving forward. For about the past 3 years, I honestly felt like I was spinning my wheels and not really getting anywhere. A lot of it was me trying to do things by myself, not involving others, and not communicating well. A lot of it was me allowing myself to fall into a trap of mediocrity a long time ago and not expect more of myself and the groups I'm working with. But, now, things have changed in me, in my life, and in the music ministry of King of Kings.

I am looking forward to this next week, because I am taking a break. I really wrestled with whether I should or shouldn't, for a whole lot of reasons, but now, I realize that I need to. I broke down in tears during the opening worship last week at the Alleluia conference because the focus was on rest. And I do very much need it. I haven't made the time for myself and my family. And in re-evaluating what I am doing and how I am ministering to others, if I'm not taking care of myself and my family, I'm a failure, no matter how hard I work. So, this coming week will be used to spend time with my girls, work on some projects around the house, write music, and rest. And then, after that, it's back to work. And there's lots of good and exciting things awaiting!