Making important changes

One of the biggest challenges in being a parent with two daughters is constant busyness and chaos. Our house is rarely clean, because of the fact that both girls like to constantly get into everything. That's one of my projects for this Memorial Day weekend, is to clean and organize the house. But as I've been thinking about that today, I'm at that point overall in my life. For the past 5 years, I've been quite busy as a full-time Music Director, and private music teacher, teaching anywhere between 9 and 24 lessons each week. Add into that being a dad, and over the past school year, taking on a part-time teaching position, I've been going, going, going. And now it's time to slow down.

I'm not slowing down in what I'm doing, exactly. In fact, over this summer, I hope to be busier. But I have less lessons scheduled for the summer than I ever have, but that's not a horrible thing. I have events scheduled, time with family, and other things going on. My hope for this summer is to do some sorting and organizing in my professional life. Planning ahead, figuring out what is most important, not as important, and what is least important. How best to involve others, and how in the world do I get other people involved? (Asking them is a start!!)

One of the things I intend to do over the summer is to be intentional in composing music. I've wrestled with this for years, having ideas for handbells, vocal choirs, hymn verse settings, instrumental arrangements, and contemporary songs. One of the biggest questions I've asked is why. Why should I write music? What's the point? Is it to make money? That answer is an obvious no. I've finally come to that conclusion that God has given me these ideas, and I am supposed to share them with people, and if God blesses it and it goes somewhere, great. If not, and I bless a few with it, that's great too. So, over the next couple of weeks, I'll be updating my music website (www.harmannymusic.webs.com) with compositions that will be available for free (or if you want to give a donation, that's cool), but the only thing I ask is for your feedback.

So, there's lots that I want to accomplish. I'm putting them here, as I've always struggled with motivation and discipline. I hope that if I keep putting it out there publicly, that will kick my tail into keeping up with it, and focus me on bettering myself.

I am not a concert promoter!!!

Tonight, I was in charge of a great event. A concert by Chad Chaney and Trent Monk. I've been in charge of a few of these events. In fact, this was #6 in the past year plus. In all 6 of these events, the largest we've had was a little under 60 and the lowest was 23. If I were to pursue concert promotions, I'd fail. But I had a realization today. I am not a concert promoter. Nor should I attempt to be. There's plenty I can't do or have attempted and failed. Yet, after saying all that, I am excited to plan the next event. What? Why? Because I am not a concert promoter. I have been called to use music as an avenue to connect God and His Word to people who need to hear it. So, if I am looking from the perspective of numbers, I am a failure. But, there's a bigger picture. If I am connecting people to God's Word and fellowship, allowing with giving an opportunity to encourage musicians and introduce people to their new favorite musician, than I have succeeded. In every case, those goals were achieved.

I told my wife this revelation and she rolled her eyes at me. Why? Well, of course, she already knew that. That's why I married her. She's really smart. Yet she sees something in me that I don't or can't. In life, a lot of times it depends on your perspective. 23 people at an event seems low. Sure, if you're looking at numbers. But, if those 23 people passed on that connection in word or action? Amazing. And if they shared that music with others? Even more amazing.

I am reminded more and more lately why I love music. I am not all that great in it, but why I love is that words combined with music carry more weight and emotion than simple words or notes on a page. Certain songs, when you hear part of it, just bring a happiness, sadness, or whatever emotion. That is why I love music. That is why I do what I do. Not just to pay the bills. Not because I think I am going to write a great song. I do what I do because God is merciful to me and uses me and my flaws, inabilities and shortcomings and is glorified.

So, no, I am not a concert promoter. And that's ok. I am a servant of God, using my time and ability to serve others, introduce them to great music, and encourage them!

Being awesome

So, I'm not that great at blogging. If you look back at the posts I've made here, that's absolutely evident. But, I've been reading the book Start by Jon Acuff, and I've been having some revelations that have been life-changing. And that's been something I've noticed that I've been desiring deep down.

You see, this book caught my attention because the catchprase on the book was "Stop being average. Start being awesome". I like awesome. I desire awesomeness. I've done lots of things in my life in an extremely failed attempt to be perceived by others as awesome. But I know that I've fallen into that trap of averageness. I've falled into that trap of instant gratification. If I don't get it and feel capable of it in a certain period of time, I'm a failure.

 A lot of that negative self talk, or voices as Jon puts it, comes from my insecurities. Oh yeah, I'm extremely insecure. Much of it comes down to things I can change like looks/weight, attitude, motivation, discipline and so on, but much of it is experiences and negativity from those experiences. For example, I have a degree in education. I taught in a high school for 1 year. Then my contract wasn't renewed. I didn't see it coming, didn't expect it, and was totally blindsided and hurt. I never wanted to teach in a high school classroom again. And I didn't. Until this past fall. The opportunity came up to teach part-time in a small Christian high school. I didn't want to do it, but my loving wife's demands that I do it to help pay bills was enough of an encouragement. And it was a great challenge. I've learned a lot, I've heard those voices along the way, and I've tried to ignore them. Yet, for the next school year, it seems like there isn't a high school position for me. Just junior high. And there came the voices. "See, you're a failure". "You can't do it". "You can't teach high school kids, so what's the point of teaching junior high kids". And much more. The position thing isn't my choice, and I have nothing to do with it. It's not a reflection on me. It's a small school and if there are 3 kids interested in choir, it doesn't really make sense. But, I will take that junior high choir and invest in them, if that's what I'm supposed to do.

A lot of my struggles come down to lack of discipline. Weight, schedule, staying on top of things, planning. And most especially, being a musician. I don't put in the time needed to be awesome, because what I've been doing is seen as awesome. But I know it's not. Well that stops. It's time to do something about it. It's time to put in the practice. It's time to challenge myself to be creative and write that music that's in my head. It may not be published, it may not make anyone but God happy, and I'm fine with that. I will fail. I will struggle. But I look forward to the journey. And one of the things that I am going to try to do is keep a record of this journey on my blog. I hope that you'll pray for me, encourage me, and maybe even share some of your insights on your journey as well!