Fear rides again....

Today was a day for fear to rear its ugly head in my life. Why? I don't know. Just overall questions in my head of what exactly the point is to challenge myself to write music, upload it to my website for people to purchase if people don't want to even look at my website?

In my head I heard:  "Come on, you're not good enough". "You don't know enough people". "You could give your music away and people wouldn't want it". I know that it was fear speaking. It was the fear that had held me back for so long. It was the fear that kept me from writing music because it told me I wasn't good enough for publishers to even want to consider, and there was no way I could self-publish because I'm not that talented at marketing, or know enough people.

And then to top it off, a few other things have happened recently to make me question if my thinking of myself as an church musician who loves organ music just as much as contemporary music is me being who I am or trying to be someone I'm not. Doors have been closing left and right for my involvement in the contemporary setting, so it's leading me to reflect a bit and ask if I'm better off spending my time focused where I am, or refocusing. I don't think that's a bad thing to do from time to time, and it looks like I'm there at this point.

 So I'm left tonight asking a whole lot of questions that I have no answers to at the moment. And I'm OK with that. I normally live in that space. But, the best part in all of this is that I know and can point to those voices and say, "You can have your say. But I'm not listening to you. I'm better than what you're telling me, and I trust that God will guide and direct me to do what He wants me to do, so you can just BE QUIET!" And that's what I'm doing tonight.

Here We Go!

It seems like my new dream is starting to crystallize. I love what I do as a full-time church music director. And I am blessed to be in the congregation I am currently in. However, I love teaching music lessons and I love writing music. What my new dream consists of is really focusing in on bettering myself as a composer/arranger, and building up my teaching, so that I am able to tithe much of my salary back to the ministry of the church. Bold and ambitious? Absolutely!

 One of the key steps is over the next few months, putting an extra intentional focus and effort to daily (and a majority of Fridays) work on composing and arranging music and uploading it to my website. Along with that, figuring out marketing strategies to reach more people and get a larger audience for my music and for my lessons in NE San Antonio.

 Does that mean I want to give up what I'm doing? Absolutely not. I believe that all 3 can work concurrently and overlap to make me a better musician.

 What does this look like? I have no clue. Is it scary? Absolutely. Will people be interested? Maybe. But what I do know is going down this path at worst helps to better me as a musician, and at best financially benefits my church, my family as well as bettering me as a musician. I appreciate your feedback, input and thoughts.

Making strides

 I finally uploaded an actual new composition to my website. I've spent a good amount of time on it. Actually, I can't really say that. It actually flowed better and quicker than anything else I've ever done. And it floored me. You see, I have this list of old hymn tunes I want to rewrite. But I had this melody for the hymn "Holy, Holy, Holy" going through my head. And I thought, there's NO WAY I can do anything with that. It's like taking Amazing Grace and writing a new melody. SACRILEGIOUS!!! But, I couldn't get this thing out of my head. So I wrote it. I sang it for people. I even uploaded it to Noisetrade. And I got positive feedback. So, we sang it for worship. Again, positive feedback. So then my brain started spinning about how to write it as a choral piece. This is taking on multiple fears at once. Writing 4 part music, AND piano accompaniments. But, as I sat down to write it, it all came together. As I sat down to write the accompaniment, something beautiful came out. This is something I'm quite proud of. A huge stride.

 I am working on trying to promote my website and get people interested in having me write music for them. I did a contest for my birthday to give away a composition, and the winner wants a piece written for a handbell quartet and piano. I've also had an inquiry about a composition for a 3 octave choir and bell tree. So, I've got lots of challenges on the way. I've still got my list of ideas to work on, so there's no shortage of things to do and ideas floating in my head. And now I am finally getting into a routine, so I feel like I'm starting to make headway into what I want to do. I just seem to be stuck on how to get the word out.

 Finally, health-wise, I'm down 9 pounds in 2 and a half weeks. I haven't been walking as much as I should, but I think it's supposed to be cooling down, so I think that desire will be taking off. I also now have a mountain bike, so that should help. It's something I've been wanting for a few years.

 I have to say that I'm amazed at the changes I've made in my life since July. Many times, it doesn't feel like major accomplishments that I should be patting myself on the back for, but going from minimal effort, to something is really a lot. I'm trying to not get discouraged, get frustrated and give up as I have so often in the past. And it feels different this time. I don't know if it's because I've tried so often and failed, and finally have realized that to make a lasting and impactful change and to do the things I WANT to be doing musically, I need to get some gumption, roll up my sleeves, get to work, and not give up. Or maybe it's maturity. At age 36, I sure hope so!!

Sacrifice

 My pastor preached about sacrifice yesterday. Sacrifice is tough. Sometimes you feel like you're losing out on something and maybe you are, and maybe you aren't. For the longest time I've struggled with sacrificing of time. And recently, as my daughters are getting older and busier, I'm thinking about it even more. And the conclusion I've come to is this: If I put my full and total effort into what I'm doing when I'm not around my girls, then I am not sacrificing time away from them, I am doing my best so that when I am with them, I can give them my full time and attention. This is a recent revelation that I've had in my quiet time and prayer time.

  I've regularly beat myself up over the time spent doing things. Doing the wrong things and doing the right things. In my new schedule starting today, I am attempting to balance that time as best as I can. Heading into this schedule, I feel like I am going to be able to handle it better than I have in the past. Will that happen? Only time will tell. You see, Sunday through Thursday, the majority of my focus is on my job. Friday and Saturday, the majority of my focus is on my family. There will be overlap, as there should be, but I know that when it gets to Friday and Saturday, if I've done my work and planning and preparation throughout the week as well as I possibly can, then I can focus on my family primarily those two days.

 I've recently had more than a few conversations with people in regards to time management between ministry and family, music writing, ministry and family and music writing and family. In all of these conversations, I've come across with one main takeaway. You have to do what fits you. You have to figure out through trial and error how best you function, how best you work, then do it. I've had many trials and errors, and I'm sure I'll have more, but I feel like I am starting to get a handle as to how to best function and balance with a wife, 2 daughters, the pulls of a full-time church music ministry, 13 private lessons, and trying to write music to better myself and bless the church. It will be messy, it will call for sacrifice, but I think I'm ready.