Fear rides again....

Today was a day for fear to rear its ugly head in my life. Why? I don't know. Just overall questions in my head of what exactly the point is to challenge myself to write music, upload it to my website for people to purchase if people don't want to even look at my website?

In my head I heard:  "Come on, you're not good enough". "You don't know enough people". "You could give your music away and people wouldn't want it". I know that it was fear speaking. It was the fear that had held me back for so long. It was the fear that kept me from writing music because it told me I wasn't good enough for publishers to even want to consider, and there was no way I could self-publish because I'm not that talented at marketing, or know enough people.

And then to top it off, a few other things have happened recently to make me question if my thinking of myself as an church musician who loves organ music just as much as contemporary music is me being who I am or trying to be someone I'm not. Doors have been closing left and right for my involvement in the contemporary setting, so it's leading me to reflect a bit and ask if I'm better off spending my time focused where I am, or refocusing. I don't think that's a bad thing to do from time to time, and it looks like I'm there at this point.

 So I'm left tonight asking a whole lot of questions that I have no answers to at the moment. And I'm OK with that. I normally live in that space. But, the best part in all of this is that I know and can point to those voices and say, "You can have your say. But I'm not listening to you. I'm better than what you're telling me, and I trust that God will guide and direct me to do what He wants me to do, so you can just BE QUIET!" And that's what I'm doing tonight.