Being awesome

So, I'm not that great at blogging. If you look back at the posts I've made here, that's absolutely evident. But, I've been reading the book Start by Jon Acuff, and I've been having some revelations that have been life-changing. And that's been something I've noticed that I've been desiring deep down.

You see, this book caught my attention because the catchprase on the book was "Stop being average. Start being awesome". I like awesome. I desire awesomeness. I've done lots of things in my life in an extremely failed attempt to be perceived by others as awesome. But I know that I've fallen into that trap of averageness. I've falled into that trap of instant gratification. If I don't get it and feel capable of it in a certain period of time, I'm a failure.

 A lot of that negative self talk, or voices as Jon puts it, comes from my insecurities. Oh yeah, I'm extremely insecure. Much of it comes down to things I can change like looks/weight, attitude, motivation, discipline and so on, but much of it is experiences and negativity from those experiences. For example, I have a degree in education. I taught in a high school for 1 year. Then my contract wasn't renewed. I didn't see it coming, didn't expect it, and was totally blindsided and hurt. I never wanted to teach in a high school classroom again. And I didn't. Until this past fall. The opportunity came up to teach part-time in a small Christian high school. I didn't want to do it, but my loving wife's demands that I do it to help pay bills was enough of an encouragement. And it was a great challenge. I've learned a lot, I've heard those voices along the way, and I've tried to ignore them. Yet, for the next school year, it seems like there isn't a high school position for me. Just junior high. And there came the voices. "See, you're a failure". "You can't do it". "You can't teach high school kids, so what's the point of teaching junior high kids". And much more. The position thing isn't my choice, and I have nothing to do with it. It's not a reflection on me. It's a small school and if there are 3 kids interested in choir, it doesn't really make sense. But, I will take that junior high choir and invest in them, if that's what I'm supposed to do.

A lot of my struggles come down to lack of discipline. Weight, schedule, staying on top of things, planning. And most especially, being a musician. I don't put in the time needed to be awesome, because what I've been doing is seen as awesome. But I know it's not. Well that stops. It's time to do something about it. It's time to put in the practice. It's time to challenge myself to be creative and write that music that's in my head. It may not be published, it may not make anyone but God happy, and I'm fine with that. I will fail. I will struggle. But I look forward to the journey. And one of the things that I am going to try to do is keep a record of this journey on my blog. I hope that you'll pray for me, encourage me, and maybe even share some of your insights on your journey as well!